hello, my little loves! i can hear the wind whooshing past the window and i stopped in my tracks walking upstairs to my room earlier today because i could hear some very loud, very beautiful birdsong. i’m really looking forward to spring. i don’t have long till my exams, but it feels like the world is slowly tilting upwards.
reading: the family tree - sairish hussain (40%) - a debut novel about an ordinary british-pakistani muslim family that’s so far, quite good! i have a few small gripes but it is unflinchingly honest and so human that i would still recommend it. terribly sad though. but that’s why i picked it up.
listening to: really loving spite by charlotte sands nowadays :) and someone like me by ISHAN. songs in absolutely different directions but i love them both
thinking about: the colour blue. libraries filled with kids silently scribbling away at their latest piece of work. sending letters to the future. sending letters to the void. blues and pinks and orange. memorising poetry and reciting it to yourself in the dark. learning sign language and incorporating random signs into your daily life. music that reminds you of time long past. getting better and getting worse, and how sometimes, you can’t tell the difference. losing friends. losing love. ciphers and codes and hidden messages, meanings. books. language, etymology. history. medallions and the colour blue. music. things that repeat, and things that don’t. things that exist in one moment and never again. diary entries that prove that statement wrong. the unspoken moments of human connection that we will never return to. strangers that stay strangers forever, conversations that go unsaid. things you didn’t try. libraries. children. all the love you never got. all the love that’s coming for you.
there’s something amazing about opening up an email inbox and just seeing reams and reams of poetry :) one thing i love about poetry daily’s poem a day is the little explanations that sometimes appear. there’s even more on their website, so i would absolutely recommend.
just.. so lyrical. i’ve realised that i really love imagery of colours and senses. “blood and earth and dreams of water,” “stones so smooth i couldn’t help but call them treasure.” “i haven’t stopped glowing since.”
14/01 - all my life i have involved myself in the affairs of the other. the bullied, the distant. the one who cries under tables. the one who was never tall enough, never skinny enough, too smart for their own good.
27/01 - as i pray, parts of me unravel. the buttons of my abaya, the loose end of my hijab falls forward, and i don’t have the energy to flick it back over my shoulder. i have got to the point where i notice the absence of my rings more than their presence. my eyes drift to my charm bracelet, and i wonder what i am performing. who for? i will never count myself among the perfectly anointed muslim girls and women, poised and ready to defend their style of hijab. i am not effortless or fluid, i do not have their grace of moving through worlds of make-up and perfume to worlds of religion and prayer. for a long time, i have been falling. i peaked too early, was something fun to say aged 14, frustrated and angry and lonely and upset with the world. it just makes me sad now. i peaked too early. and it wasn't even fun.
02/02 - i got a new reed diffuser the other day - “rosemary and juniper berry” - and i have to say, one of my favourite things about getting older is developing a style. mine is cozy things, mostly. cute jumpers, neutral colours and splashes of reds or yellow. lots of jewellery - i almost always wear a charm bracelet and watch that i thought i lost and so are very extra dear to me, i love a good long necklace, i rarely leave the house without rings (particularly my dad’s wedding ring - i’m not superstitious, and honestly saying it’s good luck feels a bit blasphemous, but i do feel a bit bare without it. i like when a part of him is with me.) but something very special has been realising that i am a very flowery person when it comes to perfume. what a fun thing to know!
as promised; my ultimate tbr! out of a cool 600 books on my storygraph tbr, i tried to limit myself to twelve books but i just had to stick in a thirteenth. i split this into two parts - intimidating reads and exciting reads, because i felt like it would be a good way of getting me to whittle it down to books i do actually Want To Read. let me know if you have an ultimate tbr of your own! (i had a book review to put here for hamnet, but i thought i’d leave it out of this letter.)
6 intimidating must-reads of 2024
pride & prejudice - jane austen
jane eyre - charlotte brontë
a little life - hanya yanagihara
the secret history - donna tarte
(at least 1 of) the books of earthsea - ursula k. le guin
yellowface - r. f. kuang
6 exciting must-reads of 2024
demon copperhead - barbara kingsolver
this other eden - paul harding
open water - caleb azumah nelson
this is how you lose the time war - amal el-mohtar and max gladstone
on earth we’re briefly gorgeous - ocean vyong
the bee sting - paul murray
extra: dear god if i dont read this in 2024 i never will
if we were villains - m. l. rio
i hope you liked this letter! i’m still trying to figure out the format of it, but the headers are definitely helping. i had planned on getting the new icon out by the time i posted this, but i’ve been unreasonably busy this week! stay tuned, i will try to finish it up by the end of february.
until next time,
- a. ambrosia
i’d love if you could let me know if you liked anything particular in this letter! anything you think i could adjust?