hello, little loves!
there’s a little cup of water on my windowsill with a stem of cherry blossom in it - i don’t quite know if its going to work but i love how pink they are, at least for now. it’s dawn at the moment, and the sky is a dull grey-blue the classic british colour. the birds are singing so loudly outside, and i’m the only one awake in my house. about to get ready for school in 30 minutes, thought i would pop in.
(i’m slightly late - this letter was supposed to be sent out on monday! but with the intensity of ramadhan ending and eid being on wednesday, i figured i’d let myself off this month. but here i am!)
how have you all been? i’ve been doing a lot of studying these past few weeks. my first exam is may 26th! just over a month… oh dearie. i have a few things to figure out about my university online portal, but mostly everything is sorted out. i know where i’m going if i get my grades! isn’t that exciting? :) onto new adventures!
i mean, i say there’s been a lot of studying. it’s been 50% studying, 30% getting my way through all of shakespeare’s history plays, and 20%… co-writing a play? i truly could not tell you how that last one happened, considering i’ve never acted a serious scene in my life. i’m having the most fun though, and i think its just such a brilliant thing to partake in collaborative storytelling. being able to bounce ideas off such amazing and talented people as i’m working with. i’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of transient friendships like that. ones that have simultaneously no basis and the strongest roots you could imagine. we’re from all across the world, and we’re writing a play together! we have themes and motifs and dynamics with characters to mess around with! what a wonderful world, man. isn’t it brilliant?
being in the uk, i didn’t see any of the eclipse in the us, but i did see it, through countless pictures and videos and art. the world can be fucking terrible - or, some people in the world can be terrible. but for the most of us, we’re all holding hands through it all. i always worry about saying stuff about the inherent goodness in humanity, because some people have proven time and again that it simply can’t be true, but i have to believe in something. so when a community springs up over something as beautiful and rare as an eclipse, i do try to hold on to that hope.
currently reading: i am, i am, i am - maggie o’farrell (48%) :: i think it’s a brilliant read, o’farrell has such a fluid writing style. probably won’t be my favourite memoir of all time, but a worthy and fascinating read! (technically i’m also reading hamlet at the moment but that’s more of an exciting new project in my head than a book.)
listening to: off the road - walk the earth
thinking about: soliloquies. sunshine. pianos, guitars, music. i swore off music for ramadhan to have time to focus on being a little bit more religious but i’m BACK and it truly has given me a new appreciation for everything i listen to. thinking about the quiet of musty libraries, the grace of birdsong, the slow steady rumble of trains, the faraway yells and shouts from kids in the neighbourhood playing.
only a small ramble this month, but here’s an unfinished, unedited poem. i hope you like it! trigger warnings for unintentional self-harm (biting) and unreality (feeling watched)
& sometimes i remember that there is
no audience - that no one replays old
arguments with my mother that even
i myself have forgotten - that no one
memorises my first meltdown over
and over and over till they know the
overwhelming specifics of my
rasping, gasping hyperventilations -
that when i bite my thumb, hand, arm, palm, thigh
out of unbridled joy, none flinches but
me, & sometimes it is comforting to
know that there is no secret cameras,
there is no hidden watchers, there is no
disapproving eyes (more than what i see,)
but sometimes when dawn shines brightly
and the birds aren't singing yet but the sky
is blue and golden and i sit up in
bed to redo my hair tie or when i
pass my reflection at golden hour and
take a second look because the way my
eyes catch the light makes me beautiful or
when i dance alone in my bedroom with
the sun streaming through my window - sometimes,
i'm a little sad that i'm enjoying this alone. sometimes,
my joy convinces me that this love is
a waste all to myself - sometimes, i steep
myself so heavily in selflessness
that i would rather be a character
for the betterment of others than a
person with a life of my own. sometimes,
i forget that i am allowed to love
life, and love myself, as i am. despite
it all. i'll love this life, i will, i will.
i’m quietly proud of it :) it’s in pentameter! i don’t know that it’s iambic pentameter (because now i know the different) but i thought it was fascinating to have a poem about feeling watched in the classic meter of plays.
5/04/2024 - asking for joy is something i’ve recently started doing, and its one of those things that i think is a self-fulfilling manifestation. once you ask for joy and know you want it, the smallest little things start becoming cause for it.
i have a real love for poems that don’t shy away from difficult metaphors and short punchy sentences :) maybe that’s just my analysis brain but truly it is the most wonderful thing to find a poem that makes you stop, reread, think and reread.
i also love my poetry daily subscription even though my 114 unread poems glare disapprovingly at me every time i open the email address dedicated to receiving them (that is your cue to also subscribe to them!! all the poems are brilliant!!)
i finally got round to updating the icon of this letter! i like this one more than the previous one, but still might tweak it a little. let me know what you think!
thank you once more for your patience and love, i appreciate and cherish everyone who clicks on this letter! sending much much love, joy and flowers!
see you soon,
- august 🌸